Integrating Inner Gold: Babyji Grows Up

My last blog post was a bit embarrassing to own, but I'm glad I did. It's helped me become more conscious of the Inner Gold (as Robert A. Johnson calls it) that I'm working with.

Getting up at 6:13am every morning and meditating to quiet my mind to the point where I can dialogue with the Voices in my Heart has done two things for me:

First, the dialogues make meditation more 'productive.' By asking my parts what they need from me, I'm actually getting clarity to move into my day with focus and grace.

Second, I feel I have a relationship with these inner parts - like friends, or children I'm responsible for - and so skipping a day is no longer an option.

Since my last post, several things have unfolded. Most importantly, I resolved the uncomfortable feeling I previously described as "this infant comes to nurse, and some part of me lets down milk to feed it. What. The. Fuck?"

After surfing YouTube one day, I saw a great video from the HeartMath Institute that explained, "Our heart's rhythm reflects our level of inner peace." 

It suddenly made sense! As I 'nursed' Babyji, I was opening my heart with the love of a mother. An experience that, being adopted, I never quite felt resolved around.

So, this 'nursing' not only became a daily heart-centering practice, it helped me close the loop on a wound so deep it has lived in my pre-verbal consciousness almost 36 years.

As I sat each morning with Babyji, I see discovered another baby! So, now I have a boy and a girl, who I named Babyjiji.

They aren't twins. Babyji is actually a toddler, perhaps 2-3 years old now.

He stopped nursing earlier this week, and when I ask him what he wants of me, he simply wants to play. This has been wonderfully inspiring for my Enlightened Child project, which I'm developing a 12-page mailed newsletter for. (Leave a comment if you're interested.) And reminds me of my first real connection with Corrina - because I didn't relate to her much as a baby.

Babyjiji, still a suckling infant. She's incredibly sweet.

There's also a puppy - which was weird as it bifurcated from the same hologram as this infant girl. But, they are definitely separate entities. I cringed at the thought of nursing a puppy. I've had a puppy. They have tiny little teeth, and they nip as an order of habit. Yikes.

We played with the puppy this morning, as I nursed Babyjiji, and I drifted off into dreams of what it must be like for a 2-3 year old boy to have a bubble of safety, everyone he loves... and a puppy to play with! That's about the most endearing thing I can imagine. So, I did.

And then came the radical shift.

Reading a lot of work by Robert A. Johnson these days, I've been delving into Owning Your Own Shadow, and, most recently, Inner Gold, which describes the nature and purpose of psychological projection.

What Johnson helped me realize is that we need to project our Gold (our 'God stuff') onto another before we can integrate it.

Gold is heavy, and the weight of it can crush our ego before it is strong enough to hold the load that is our divine inheritance in this life. So, we find an 'other' to project it upon, and worship the beauty, power, grace & love we see there.

Without going too deep into the dangers and dehumanizing functions of this type of projection - which most often occurs in romantic relationships (oh, you goddess!) - I'll close by sharing what happened this morning when I brought this new awareness into my meditation.

As I sat playing with Babyji and our wonderful, soft, rambunctious love-puppy, I turned my heart to invite the same question I invite every morning: "What would you ask of me, today?"

Babyji, at the height of his delight, simply vibed back to me, "Own the Gold you're projecting on me."

In an instant I felt more awake than I have in many, many mornings. And Babyji's image faded to about 10% - if you're a photoshop user - or a mere trace of what he was.

I felt the Gold of this inner child alive inside my left chest, a man's chest, no longer a nursing breast. And I looked down to see if my darling Babyjiji would disappear as well. Not yet! Perhaps she will grow up, too, but for now she's still content in my arms, and I'm grateful for her to be there.

As for the puppy, we'll see what kind of trouble he gets into.

Thanks for reading - I love your comments :-]

Craig

ps - Thanks for reading and commenting. I welcome your interest in exploring these ideas, and the journey that inspires them. Facebook is a good place to find me if you want to see more of the journey unfold in multimedia. (I rarely accept friend requests from people, especially those I don't know - but you can subscribe, and comment on my open profile.)

pps - You can also dig me at Purpose Mapping and Enlightened Child

Nourish Me, Feed Me... Nourish & Feed Yourself

As uncomfortable as it is to say out loud... I am the proud mother of a newborn baby.

Actually he/she is almost 36 weeks (or so... I can't say for sure, because the birth was so buried in my shadow that I could barely admit it to myself for some time.)

The baby came as a synthesis of 3 very clear, distinct, yet blended inner voices I had been tuning in to for several months prior: Jesus, Mary & Yahweh - all melodiously blended into a Wisdom greater than the sum of their individual expressions.

Every morning I would meditate, and listen for the Inner Voice with Wisdom enough to guide me.

Until one day, the Voices, and their imagery inside me started to shift.

For a while, it was a very difficult scene to stomach, and I often turned away in despair. How could my deep connection with God, through these voices (because when I connected directly with God, it was just a still, silent pool of golden light, so I asked for some voices to offer me words I could work with)... how could that connection be gone?

In the fading, crumbling imagery, where the Voices ceased to speak in their clear, melodious tones, I found a 3-foot, plastic lawn ornament Jesus with white robe and red sash, arms molded in an outstretched position, illuminated by a light bulb like Santa on the rooftop, or some creepy Halloween decor being sold out front of Home Depot a month before the holiday arrives. He was lifeless, yet the warmth of His presence was still felt through the flat post-modern symbol invoking his Spirit.

Yahweh was formless, but present, holding space with a hearty good humor, and distinct lack of concern for what was transpiring.

Mary held a baby. A mummified, zombie pet-like creature. It crumbled under its own weight, revealing some strange reptilian, living form beneath the cakes of crumbling flesh-mud and dried rot of mummification.

This went on for weeks... Every morning I would dive down into my belly to listen for the Voices. Every morning, I'd be met with another stage in this strange unfolding.

One day, it dawned on me, that what this life-form needed was my own presence and attention. That it was somehow the living spirit of Jesus resurrecting in Mary's arms, and that I could accelerate the alien incubation with my loving awareness of it all.

Alien is an understatement!

As soon as I brought my energy to the process, the undulating life-form awakened a translucent blue eye that crumbled more of the stone-caked face. Suddenly, the reptilian form was less creature than creative impulse. I started to understand what was happening was more cosmic than crustacean.


Over the following weeks, the form evolved until eventually, Mary was holding an actual human infant. This freaked me out even more. I knew I was birthing something, and that something was me, in a way... but now I have an infant to be responsible for??

As I continue to check in each morning, this infant comes to nurse, and some part of me lets down milk to feed it.

What. The. Fuck...?!!

Here I sat this morning, meditating on what part of me is feeding this baby of mine. What is it that lives in me that has the innate knowing of a mother, and the subtle body to nurse like one?

I ask the infant what it needs from me today, as I used to ask the Trinity of Voices that birthed it into being.

"Nourish me... Feed me...," he/she says.

And how do I do that? "Nourish & Feed Yourself!"

Okay...

Well. If there's one thing my daughter's mother is amazing at it, it's being a mother. Her own mother, and mother's mother (who just passed), and her sister, and now my daughter... they are all incredibly nurturing women. It frightens me to let in what I've learned being around them.

Yet, here I sit. Nursing my god-child. Wondering what support I can call in. Wondering what a new mother requires to feel nourished and fed enough to be the conduit of nourishment for another being's soul.

And the most challenging part of it all... is accepting that the imagined life I carry inside of me is as real and relevant as anything in the manifest realm all around me.

Sigh...

Now that I've said it out loud, I best give a name to this child.

For now, until I come to know him/her better, I'll name my infant Babyji (inspired by my friend Maggie's adoring nickname of her own baby, born last year). "Ji" is used to show respect in India. As in Guruji, or Papaji.

So, stay tuned. I imagine the story will unfold more rapidly now that I've made a conscious awareness more public.

In service to the Greatest of Mysteries,

Mama Craig

ps - Thanks for reading and commenting. I welcome your interest in exploring these ideas, and the journey that inspires them. Facebook is a good place to find me if you want to see more of the journey unfold in multimedia. (I rarely accept friend requests from people, especially those I don't know - but you can subscribe, and comment on my open profile.)

pps - You can also dig me at Purpose Mapping and Enlightened Child

First Public 'Parts Work' Dialogue (oh shit...)

I don't know who reads this stuff, but there's a certain safety in feeling anonymous in the world. If you do read it, I've imagined you fit into a nice neat category:

1.) People who know me & love me & totally understand

2.) People who don't know me & I will never meet (or comment)

3.) People who don't know me & think I'm nuts & will never read again (except with a sick fascination in which I'm objectified as a looney... which actually works for me, and my Enneatype 4 personality)

4.) People who I can't even imagine reading this & therefore don't exist in my map of reality (politicians, for example)

 

Ready for a paradox?

There's a part of me that wants to be seen - desperately!!! - and spits salt & vinegar daggers out my eyes at anyone who doesn't have the vision to see the delicate, intricate entelechy of my soul.

There's other parts of me that are shy, still others that are morally outraged at the idea of showing any part of my deep interior to the world at large. Like the way I would feel if someone suggested exposing my pre-teen daughter in one of those gaudy, twisted beauty pageants... or worse. She's too pure, too special, too innocent to be foisted into objectivity for the masses to gawk at and ogle. No. Effin. Way.

My first post was just a hint of what moves beneath the surface in me.

The intention of this blog - as suggested by the name, and the description near my picture to the right - is to share some of the deep interior dialogue that goes on within me, as opposed to this sort of ego-level commentary on life.

BUT MY EGO KEEPS ME SAFE... 

(By the way, I believe in the efficacy of a healthy ego. I tried to transcend it once. That was a stupid idea. It's not goin anywhere, and neither is my body. If I want to wake up, it's going to be IN this body, WITH my ego intact, and embrace the TOTALITY of my existence at every level.)

I feel like a phony most of the time because I'm just rambling off banal strings of social flotsam & jetsam I've cobbled together over the years in an attempt to have a personality people can relate to. Most of my life, I either didn't have a clue, didn't care, or took a stand against 'small talk.' Then one day, I decided I wanted to get laid. And realized that women need a certain amount of interaction before they're willing to make that happen.

So, now that I'm dating a woman who I feel sees me (Ali), and I can am relaxing into a more authentic self-expression, my deeper parts are closer to the surface than ever. And for the first time in 35 years, I'm feeling this huge iceberg of frozen, protective energy thaw - so rapidly that it's cracking, and scaring me a little bit.

In her attempt to honor the deeper parts of me, and help me feel seen, Ali posted my first piece on her Facebook wall, and a lengthy discussion ensued. All of which froze me up... It took me a day before I could respond.

And what I realized is that there are a plethora of voices inside me, all tackling each other likes kids in a closet when mom walks in the door and they've run for cover after plundering the cookie jar until it shattered on the floor, blaming and fussing and trying to figure out how they will deal with her when she flings the door open and exposes them in the dark.

This cartoon mash-up is about how it feels inside... best picture I could find in under 60 seconds.

So, now that I'm confident nobody could have possibly read this far, I'm going to take my first swing at giving these parts a voice AND maybe I'll even publish this on the interwebs.

(What follows is an un-edited transcription of an internal dialogue...)

Adder: Oh shit, she outted us!

Roscofeller: Settle down - this is why we started this blog in the first place.

Young Child: (sobbing in corner)

Adder: I won't stand for this. Who the hell does she think she is?!! This is not hers to share. We're not a menagerie on her shelf to be played off like she owns us or somehow has any hand in this work.

Roscofeller: But she does - she was the one that encouraged Craig to post our dialogues for people to read. And I'm sure she's very proud of him (and of us) for having the courage to share all this.

Young Child: (sobbing)

Adder: Man fuck this. I'm not part of this circus...

Heidi: But you are, Adder. You're part of it right now.

Adder: No I'm not. I'm stifling myself. This if bullshit.

Heidi: Hey guys, I'm here to help.

Roscofeller: Thank god, Heidi. Can you help sort out some of this madness. Adder & I have been locking horns over this, but there are other parts in here that haven't even spoken up yet, and I feel like we need to get everything on the table so Craig can relax and move forward with his day in a deeper flow state than we're allowing him to be in right now. I can feel the contraction in his chest, and I know it's not in anyone's best interest.

Heidi: Thanks Roscoe. Yes, I'd be happy to help. Hi everyone!

Everyone: Hiiiiiii Heeeiiiiidiiiii...

Heidi: Can we circle up? I know Craig only has a limited amount of time, and he's taken up a very courageous position by doing this work 'out loud' so to speak - since he feels his work with us will serve multiple purposes as a public blog, he's actually willing to sit down and DO this Active Imagination work instead of neglecting it and letting these internal conflicts fester and bog him down.

Everyone: Oooookkaaayyyy, Heeeiiiiidiiiii...

Heidi: Okay, thanks for cooperating, everyone. Adder, you come sit by me. Roscoe, would you like to begin the checkins?

Roscoefeller: I'm Roscoe, I feel elated that Heidi is here, and I'm always amazed at how this process brings us to life as parts of Craig, and thereby brings him into rich, techni-color illumination from within. I'm in.

Heidi: A-ho. Thanks, Roscoe. Who's next?

Jimmy: I'm Jimmy. I think Ali's fuckin rad. I'm stoked. I'm in.

Gertrude: I'm Gert, I'm fuckin pissed. Off. And I'm in.

Landou: I'm Landou, I'm feeling... I don't know how I'm feelin... I'm just sittin here. I'm kinda numb. This feels scary to me, bringing all this out... especially with Ali resposting this - there's no telling what is gonna happen. I'm scared. That's me. I'm in.

Saint John: I'm St. John, I'm ready to hop on my horse and charge off into the wilderness and bring this message to the lost and abandoned, disheveled and sick. Enthused. I feel the power & will of God in me. I'm in.

Maggie: Fuck you and your stupid fuckin circle. (spits)

Adder: Yeah, fuck this shit. I feel bad because I know Ali means well, but this is fuckin bullshit. I don't want any part of it. She can't co-opt us and treat us like her little...

Heidi: Adder... How are you FEELING?

Adder: Pissed. I feel fuckin pissed. ...I'm in.

Heidi: I'm Heidi, I'm just lovin each and every one of you. I feel so blessed to be able to do this work with you, and I know it will serve us all, and Craig, and Ali, and the world. Grateful. I'm in.

Heidi: How you feelin, baby?

Young Child: I want my mommy.

Heidi: I know, honey. Are you sad?

Young Child: (cries)

Heidi: I feel like there's someone who hasn't checked in... anyone still lurking in the shadows?

Smasher: AAAAAGGGHGGHGHGHGHGHH!!!!

Heidi: Well, hi there, Smasher!

Smasher: I'M... I'M... I'M HONGRAY!!!

Heidi: A-ho, Smasher. Is there something you need for support around that?

Smasher: I'm Hongray!! And I'm in.

Heidi: Okay. Anyone else out there I can't see? I can feeeeeeeeel youououou...

Cloak of Darkness: I'm hiding all that isn't ripe & ready in my cloak. I feel vast & powerful. I'm in.

Heidi: Well, thank you Cloak. It's good to know you are here to hold those who are still unfolding in your mystery.

Heidi: Well, that feels like all of us that are here, for now. Let's take this a layer deeper... Who... Let me think. Okay, in the interest of time, we're going to go around again, and own our stuff about anything having to do with Ali, Craig, or this process going public in general. Remember, keep it clean. Time is short, and we have a lot of parts to get through.

Gramma Grendel: I'm here, sweetie. I'm going to help hold the space. Checking in feeling very powerfully loving toward all of you, and fiercely devoted to Craig's process. I am in.

Heidi: Well, thank you, Gramma Grendel! I know you're a huge protector part for Craig, and have guided him a long way through his process. It's nice to feel your presence that this critical point in his path. Thank you.

Gramma Grendel: My pleasure, dear.

Heidi: So, let's begin. I'll model it: I'm Heidi, I'm lovin how Craig & Ali are weaving their 3 & 4 energies together to form a more solid connection with each other, thereby themselves, and really deepening & broadening their presence in the world, their message & gifts. This feels like a crucial next step, and I am all for it. I don't need any support other than for everyone here to show up fully - both now, and in the future. I'm in.

Roscoefeller: I'm Roscoe, I also really appreciate the dynamic between Ali & Craig. He's opened up so much since they started dating, and he's really surfacing a lot of his deep, submerged parts - both light & dark - and he's doing his work, and she's just so inspiring to him in a really measured, stable way. I feel safe with her, and I am here to support anyone who has trepidation. I also see how many of you are bringing your fears to the circle around her and this process being so public. I really get how Craig needs this to be public for the sake of his ego, and his relationship with Ali. It's just too much of a tax on his time and personal energy that if he doesn't share it with Ali, and with the world, he simply can't afford to take the time to hear us all, and that's really all any of us want - to be heard. So, while there's some additional stress and challenge that this brings, in the main, I support it. And I trust that any issues that arise along the way we can handle in a circle process like this, or with Stacy's help. And I'm really appreciative of Heidi & Gramma Grendel for coming to hold space for us. I'm in! Oh, and the support I need is for everyone to bring their whole selves here to this process. I know there are parts of me - even tho I'm just a part ;-p - that each of you reflects, and so in order for me to fully own my alignment with this, I need to know I can trust each of you to own your dissonant positions. I'm in.

Everyone: A-ho.

Jimmy: Yeah, hi, I'm Jimmy. I think Ali's fuckin rad. As I believe I said. I really like her. And I like the way she makes me feel inside. I'm not just talkin like my balls, and whatnot, but, you know... like my heart and my feelings and whatnot. I like her because she sees me, and she sees how I'm kinda like a rascal, you know, and she doesn't have any judgments about that. She accepts all of me how I am, and she kinda gets hot for me - I know she gets hot for me, cuz I'm always the one teasin her and givin her the run around, and I like how she can't keep up with me, and I run circles around her and then come up and tag her from behind, you know what I'm sayin. I think she likes that too. So. I'm down with Ali. I think it's a good fit. And if she has a thing for Craig's parts - of which I am amongst - then I say, okay let's give it to her. Let's get all loose and lay it out on the table. And then we'll lay her out on the table... That's it. I'm in.

Heidi: A-ho, Jimmy. And is there anything you need for support?

Jimmy: Nah. Nah, I think I'm good. Thanks.

Heidi: Alright, Gerty... Where are you at with all this?

Gertrude: I think she's a selfish bitch and she just wants to use us for her own play things. Like Jimmy. I'm sure she loves hearin all that from him. But what about me, bitch! You wanna hear all Craig's parts, or just the ones that get your pussy wet? I'll kick your ass! You think you got an inner mean girl? Well, so does Craig, and I'll knock your fuckin block off. You come near him, all dreamy-eyed and dazzling, and he can't stop himself from bein hooked by you, but I know who you are... you just want him to be owned by you, and all of us too. I'm not havin any of that. I'll knock you down and push your face down in a puddle. And maybe I'll let you come up to breathe, if you stop strugglin and tell me who owns who. You're MY bitch. Get it, dog face? I own YOU! And if anyone's gonna tag you from behind it's gonna be ME. Cuz I got your number. I know how you work. You can't fool me. I used to be just like you. And now I eat girls like you for breakfast. Don't. Fuck. With. Him.

Heidi: A-ho, Gert - and do you need any support?

Gertrude: I need that bitch to get on her knees and...

Heidi: Whoa, whoa... that's not support. Support is something you ask for that doesn't require anyone to change for you. Own something that you need and be unattached to the outcome.

Gertrude: That's what I'm sayin... I need her to get down and do me the way she does Craig, and then I'll decide if she's good for him or not.

Heidi: I hear you, and I wanna see if I can help you clean that up... Maybe Gramma Grendel can help?

Gramma Grendel: Only if you're open to it, my dear...

Gertrude: Only cuz you're older and wiser than me. I don't take advice from fucktards.

Gramma Grendel: If you are so much alike, as you stated, then I would like to see you love Ali more as part of yourself, and similar to you. If that's possible, perhaps you could ask for some support on how to do that. I believe that will help you accept her more, without needing her to be different.

Gertrude: Alright... what she said.

Heidi: Can you make a specific request?

Gertrude: I would like some support around feeling less angry at Ali, and takin ownership of how I project on her and take out my anger on her.

Heidi: Okay, and I would be happy to help you take a look at that - maybe in a future blog post?

Gertrude: I wanna say no, but maybe that's what I need to do to get over this... okay, yes. (Fuck)

Heidi: A-ho. Thank you Gert. I know how challenging this piece is for you. Thanks for owning it, and for being willing to take a deeper look at it. Who's next?

Landou: Oh, my! That was sooome work, Gertrude. Heidi, you are something else!

Gertrude: Stop suckin up, you soggy pasta boy.

Heidi: Okay, no cross-talk. This is Landou's time.

Landou: Thank you, thank you. Okay, how do I feel? I feel scared. I feel like this is all a big scary place where all of Craig's parts are going to get seen and he's going to be coming into the world in a way he never had to before. And I guess... if I get really honest, I'm afraid of I, how my, I 'm... I'm. It's just terribly hard to have to... I just... Well... What is gonna happen to me? I am so a... just scared of what happens if I have to do what Gertrude just did. I can't imagine getting a whole post just about uncovering who I am, and all that happens in me. I am just too afraid of that. I'm in.

Heidi: Thank you for owning that, Landou. I hear that you are afraid. And I assure you that the only parts who will be unveiled entirely are the ones who are ripe and ready for that to happen. Isn't that right Cloak?

Cloak of Darkness: Indeed. I am here, holding a shelter of shadow to enshroud the unfolding of all immature parts unready to be revealed.

Gramma Grendel: It takes volition to individuate. If you are uncertain about your ability to do that, Landou, then simply relax and await the time in which you are ready. It's that simple.

Landou: Okay. Okay, thank you. Because you know I'm embarrassed by... well... I just need a little support to help me feel safe. I am just gonna hang back with Cloak and Gramma Grendel, and any of you that want to hang back with me, I will be here making rose hip peach tea and cranberry-orange muffins with white chocolate chips and cinnamon ginger glaze... in case any of you are interested. I'm in.

Heidi: I'm interested! I'll see you after circle. Thanks!

St. John: Is it my turn? I'm St. John. I feel the call to Ali's challenge that we should all embrace our sovereign voices and speak loudly to the world for all to hear. I am enraptured by her gaze and hold out my heart to her as an offering of utter authenticity and complete transparency. My heart is noble, and it throbs with fervor for the mission to global inspiration she aspires to. I am the part of Craig that rises to meet all opportunities for growth with a courage and strength of will unrivaled in other men. I feel I am often held back by the unspoken voices of those parts who I am connected to, yet hide in the shadows. And therefore, the support I request is for all voices to come to the surface and be spoken. If that is something you can help facilitate, Heidi, then I applaud your efforts to that end. If you are an unspoken voice, I implore you - either speak, or be silent, but hold no childish longing for security in these revolutionary times. I am your champion, and I ride for us all when I explode into flame and burst forth like a comet into the night sky, blazing a trail for all to follow.

Heidi: A-ho! Thank you St. John.

Maggie: Me? My turn?

Heidi: Yes. It's your turn, Maggie.

Maggie: (turns and shits on the floor)

Adder: Ah, fuck... what the fuck...

Young Child: (cries)

Maggie: (jumps to splash the steaming mess all over... Bill, who's been watching from a larger sphere, grabs her and suspends her in mid-air)

Bill: Okay, we get the picture, Maggie.

Adder: Why do I always get stuck next to the shitter... What are you fuckin stupid?

Bill: That's enough.

Maggie: Put me down you omnipotent psycho!! It's my time and I can express however I want!!

Gramma Grendel: Dear, it's okay to feel how you feel, and it's understood by many of us. However, it's too much to expect others to accept your messiness without permission to express it this literally. Do you have some words for how you feel?

Maggie: (breaks down crying)

Bill: (dematerializes the mess, hands her into Gramma Grendel's arms)

Gramma Grendel: I know, child... it's hard sometimes. It'll be okay. I'm here. I got you.


Heidi: Maggie, we are here to listen when you find words for how you feel.

Adder: I'm not going. I don't want any part of this.

Maggie: Adder, this is your chance to express why, and how you feel about it.

Adder: I'm fuckin pissed! I told you that. I already told you that. Why the hell do we have to do this in public? What the fuck are you trying to prove? And why isn't anyone else pissed that Ali is just sharing this shit on her wall, and making a big scene out of it like it's something she had anything to do with. This isn't her creative self-expression. It's Craig's, if it's anyone's, and he doesn't have the balls to stand up to her and tell her to go fuck herself, so why the hell should I even participate?

Heidi: (listening, patiently)

Adder: Quit looking at me like that. I'm not talking any more. I told you I was against this, and I don't even like the fact that this is going to be spread around publicly. I don't mind if Josh reads it, but I don't even think he - or anyone I even care about - is gonna have the time. Stacy could read it, but it doesn't have to be public for Craig to share it with them. Even Ali - she can read it, but why does she have to to go spreading it around like it somehow makes her a better person for doin so.

Heidi: Is there a judgment in there?

Adder: Yeah, there's a fuckin judgment! I think she's a bit fucked in the head! That's what I think! I think she's got a sick fascination with all of us because she has lost contact with her own deep interior parts, and she is just watching Craig and eggin him on to do the work she's not willing or able to do... but it has nothing to do with her. It's like how she feels about him with the work she's here to do... It's just not transferable. They each gotta do their own work or it's not moving them forward. And this blog isn't a justification for her relationship with him. He's his own person, and I don't know who she feels she needs to justify herself to in order to be in relationship with him, but that's like justifying your relationship with God - not that he's God, but he's invisible to most people, and who gives a fuck. I just think the whole thing stinks. I'm done. I'm in.

Heidi: Do you need any support, Adder?

Adder: Support? Yeah, I need some fuckin support. I need someone to come hold Ali so she can do her own work and stop treatin Craig like a fuckin science project. This is his gift to do this work at this level, not some freak-show for all her friends...

Heidi: So, how can we support you Adder? Because that's not something you can control...

Adder: I don't know. I don't need any support.

Maggie: (sobs)

Gramma Grendel: Adder, would you be open to a whole post, just for you... and at the end you have the option to make it public or not?

Adder: Yeah, fine, whatever. I'm in.

Heidi: A-ho. And how about you, baby, how do you feel about all this?

Young Child: (curls up into a ball)

Smasher: I'll go! I'll Go!!

Heidi: Okay, Smasher, your turn.

Smasher: I'm SMASHERRRR!!! I like Ali. I like how big she plays. I like to smash big things, and she makes big things available to smash. I like how she smashes a lot of people's minds up by being in relationship with Craig and I like how he & I get to smash up a lot of people's minds and she jumps in and smashes even more by sharing things he says and writes. I wanna smash her ego sometimes, though, that's for sure. Sometimes I wanna smash her with Jimmy. And sometimes I wanna smash her all alone. I like that joke: Smasher? I don't even know her!! I need support. I need to smash, smash, smash... so I can smash you if you need me to. I can smash anything that needs to be smashed. Like an ego, an old idea that holds us back, and a government system that is infested by parasites... I can smash, smash, smash em ALL!! I need things to smash. So if you need anything smashed, I am here. I can smash it!

Heidi: A-ho, Smasher!

Young Child: (giggles)

Heidi: Baby, do you like Smasher Do you have anything to say?

Young Child: I like smasher I like Ali. Only when she's being nice tho. I like her when she plays with me. I want smasher to get her when she be's Lizard Girl. She makes me cry. I like it when she holds me, and I like her the best when she helps me be heard and helps Craig to do his things he needs to do. I like her a lot.

Heidi: Thanks, Young Child. And is there any support you'd like to ask for?

Young Child: I like her to have time to be happy and play. I like to play all the time. If she won't play, I need someone else to play with me. I get sad if nobody is gonna play with me.

Heidi: Okay, I hear you. I will let her know that.

Young Child: (giggles, curls into a ball)

Heidi: Okay, let's come back to Maggie... Maggie... do you have any words for how you feel?

Maggie: Piss. Punch. Puke. You all suck.

Heidi: I hear the anger in your words, Maggie. Are you angry about something Ali or Craig did?

Maggie: You fuckin suck. I fuckin hate you. ALL OF YOU!!!!!

Heidi: Wow, Maggie, that's a lot of anger. Can you say more about what you're angry about?

Maggie: Go away. (spits)

Heidi: Maggie, I can close the circle, but I feel like there's something valuable in putting words to what...

Maggie: SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME!! She didn't even ask if it was okay. And Craig just let her put it all over facebook, and start all these conversations about us, and I FUCKIN HATE YOU!!!

Gramma Grendel: Maggie, come here

Maggie: It's not fair. I have to have a voice. I have to have a choice. It's all fine if everyone else gets to have a say, but I never got a say. How come I never get asked if it's okay. I'm tired of everyone making decisions for me, and telling me later how it's gonna be, or how it already is. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

Gramma Grendel: Yes, yes... get it all out. I hear you. It's so unfair...

Maggie: (sobbing, blows nose on Gramma Grendel's shirt)

Gramma Grendel: That's it... get it all out.

Heidi: I love how all these words help me understand how angry you are, Maggie. It's so hard to express anger sometimes, and you're doing a great job. It's helping all of us understand you better. Is there any support you would like to ask for around this?

Maggie: I hate you, Heidi. This stupid circle. Stupid fucking process. All you're gonna do is post it online and all Ali's friends are gonna see it, and it's the same stupid fucking thing that happened last time. Yeah I need support. I need you to stop posting these!!

Heidi: I hear you, Maggie. I hear that you are angry, and I hear that posting these feels like a violation of some privacy you desire. Is that right?

Maggie: Adder feels the same way!! I didn't hear anyone asking either of us if it's okay to blog all this out to the world. Why do we have to be subjected to this?

Heidi: I understand, Maggie. Nobody asked if it was cool with you, or Adder, or any parts if Craig, and Ali, and anyone else might share it on blogger & facebook.

Maggie: Fuck you. You don't care.

Heidi: I do care. I am asking because I care. And I can tell you Craig, Ali and a lot of people who might read this care too.

Maggie: (turns to shit again)

Bill: Whoa, now...

Maggie: Put me down you fuck-head!!

Bill: It's okay to be angry, but if you're gonna shit all over anyone, it's gonna be all over yourself.

Maggie: IIIIIIIIIIIII HAAAAAAATE YOUUOOUOUOUOUOUOUOU!!!!

Heidi: (Gramma Grendel stops her)

Gramma Grendel: Heidi, this is too deep to resolve tonight. It's been over 4 hours... let's decide to let this go for now. Maggie, I hear how angry you are, and I suspect there's a much deeper wound that needs to be surfaced for you to feel resolved around all this. I'm going to ask that we do that offline, maybe in a blog post draft that never gets published. However, part of the contract Craig has to fulfill is to do his parts work, and also to share it publicly. That's what came up in his work with Stacy, and he's not going to do this parts work if he can't share it. So, this is the best we can do. I am happy to see that at least you are talking now, and I look forward to seeing your transform as you share more of what's go you so pissed off. For now, I'm willing to keep holding you and rocking you if you like. Otherwise, you can excuse yourself from the circle, and fall back in with Cloak of Darkness. Feel free to grab a cranberry-orange muffin from Landou on your way.

Maggie: (crawls back into Gramma Grendel's arms)

Heidi: Well, Gramma Grendel, I guess that leaves you and Bill, and Cloak if they are interested in sharing.

Gramma Grendel: I've said my piece. I feel Ali is a wonderful woman, and a great ally for Craig, and him for her. They pair nicely, and are doing work in the world that is truly transformational, together. It would be a shame for either of them to get so hooked into their stories that they lose their connection. This parts work is so essential, and I am appreciative of Craig for his willingness to invest 4-5 hours to explore it, and to share it, and to allow Ali to share it. I feel her sincerity, and I also feel her hesitation to reveal something so messy and incomplete. It takes a lot of heart to be in the relationship they are in, and it's wonderful to witness two people so committed to their collective process.

Heidi: And is there any support you need?

Gramma Grendel: I have explained everything I need in a previous piece of work with Craig & Stacy a while back. He is doing fairly well. This is a big step for him, and all of us inside. I feel the only support I need actually comes from Stacy & Ali as they support & encourage Craig to keep going. I would specifically request that they let him know how they feel about him, and allow the discomfort that brings up in him to fuel more posts like these. That's all. I'm in, dear.

Heidi: A-ho. Thank you. And how about you Bill?

Bill: Oh, you know me... I'm in favor of all of it. It's always exciting to see large chapters unfolding as they write themselves into existence. It's time for my supper. I'm in and I'm out. Thanks or letting me observe!

Heidi: A-ho. Thanks Bill. And Cloak?

Cloak of Darkness: What would you have me say? I am here to protect those who fear the light, and keep them from exposure before they are ready. I look so deeply inward, it matters not to me what happens outside the reach of my mystery.

Heidi: So... what you're saying is... you don't need any support.

Cloak: ...

Heidi: Okay. Well. That brings us full circle. Anybody have any last burning shares?

Roscoefeller: I do. I am just so proud to be a part of this psyche. It's so excruciatingly painful to feel locked away inside a mind that can't open enough to breathe us into existence. I feel truly blessed, and really grateful to get to know some of you parts who are just now individuating. What a precious gift you've all brought to this circle. Thank you. Each of you. I'm in.

Heidi: Thanks Roscoe. Anyone else?

Maggie: I'm sorry.

Heidi: Thanks Maggie. We'll talk more, soon, I'm sure. Any last burning shares?

Landou: I've got smoothies!! Anyone want a smoothie, come see me after the circle!

Heidi: Okay, let's all take a deep breath. And let's check out.

Roscoefeller: I'm Roscoe, I'm happy. Out

Jimmy: Jimmy. Horny. Out.

Gertrude: Gert. Soft. Out.

Landou: Landou. Fruity & Fabulous! Out.

St. John: I'm Saint John. I feel refreshed & empowered by God. I'm out.

Maggie: (crying)

Adder: I'm fuckin pissed. Adder. Out.

Smasher: Oh shit!!! OUT!!

Heidi: I'm Heidi. Feeling happy, relaxed. I'm out. Baby, do you wanna check out?

Young Child: Smasher... OUT!

Gramma Grendel: I'm Gramma Grendel, feeling appreciative of all of you. I'm out.


Heidi: Okay, well, that was intense. Thanks everyone. I trust Craig will do what is best with this transcription of his living parts, and if you are reading this and have any questions, please do ask Craig. He'll be happy to tell you more about this process, or point you in the direction of someone like Stacy, or Tim Kelley who leads the True Purpose Institute where this work is done in service to the discovery of one's Purpose. Or Morgana Rae, who does parts work specifically around Money.

Gramma Grendel: This isn't turning into an advertisement, is it?

Craig: I wish it was! That was a lot of feckin work - send me money, yo!

Heidi: Okay, well, Craig, I'm going to turn it back over to you. I feel we're complete here.

Craig: Thanks Heidi... and thanks to anyone who read this all the way through. I'm paradoxically bashful, and curious about your reaction to the inner dialogue.

If you care to share, you can comment below. I'd say private message me, but I just don't have the energy to respond to everyone. Wish I did! However, I do like receiving feedback, and it all lands in me eventually, even though I have to chew on some of it for days before I can absorb it.

There you have it... my first Voices In My Heart blog post.

Phew!

Craig

ps - Thanks for reading and commenting. I welcome your interest in exploring these ideas, and the journey that inspires them. Facebook is a good place to find me if you want to see more of the journey unfold in multimedia. (I rarely accept friend requests from people, especially those I don't know - but you can subscribe, and comment on my open profile.)

pps - You can also dig me at Purpose Mapping and Enlightened Child

Owning My Shadow On A Global Scale

Do you ever get mad about what you can't control?

Sometimes I get so PISSED about the state of economic and political corruption in the world.

Quite often, actually. (Daily, to be honest.)

Wednesday morning I was getting some eggs at a hotel before boarding my flight from Denver to Rochester. The only news I heard on the TV (which I never watch) was that we - America - will be bailing out EUROPE.

Now, I could go off about the ****ing scam of the Federal Reserve and IRS and what a lying piece of $h!t I think Obama is... but I already did that. In fact, I posted on my wall about it.

It's funny, too, because I knew - as I was posting it - that I was full of shit... and I even reflected on it as I passed in and out of sleep on the 5-hour leg to Philly. But when I saw I had no responses, I got even more pissed, and posted the comment there. 

I'm so justified!

Doing shadow work for 18 years (and plenty of psychedelics) has shown me there's nothing in this world that pisses me off more than my own judgments projected outward onto others. 

My ego feels so outraged, so morally superior... but in my heart, I know I harbor the same greed as the Rothschilds and Rockefellers. I want it all. I want to play god. I want no consequences. Just power and control. Not all the time. Mostly sub-consciously.

In fact, it takes a lot to even pin it down in myself... so much easier to project it outwards and deny it lives in me (even in the smallest, homeopathic dose). But it's in there. And it's enough to irritate me to the point where I'm seeing it projected outside myself on a global scale.

 

This second post got a heap of 'likes' - which tells me I have great friends. Thanks, guys ;-]

So, okay, let's get out the mirror, Craiger... 

I'll take a bullet for the truth. Where do I need to grow a pair? (That's how shadow work absolves - just turn a mirror on yourself and own the projection. And the gold this work excavates is well worth it!)

My conscience might preclude me from acting it out (most of the time), but I've definitely abused power over others (kids, women, the intellectually challenged) and split hairs over technical 'truths' with people (employers, customers I've sold shoddy products to). It sickens me, and I've worked hard to clean that up and live a more congruent life.

Truth is, when I own my shadow projections onto the ruling elite, and stop feeling like a victim... I kinda like the way these global theatrics are playing out. 

The 'New World Order' plodding away at world domination like any proficient chess opponent absolutely fascinates me to no end. 

At the level of my soul, I can feel the urges of greed and corruption swishing around with the victim posturing of the 99%... and all of it combines into a witnessing of the totality of my soul that is pure illumination. 

Ah-aha! There's the gift!

I'm realizing it takes embracing the paradox of that magnitude of absurdity to wake me up...

I see it all, and I'm pleased. 

It's so exquisitely simple in its complexity. 

The whole game is staged for a glorious climax of epic proportions. 

Every glimmer of insight is dashed by an egoic outrage. Every rush of terror is met with an equal and opposite experience of personal power. The lilting melody of an indomitable human spirit rises up through the petulant wreckage of economic carpet bombing and echoes through the 7 billion souls all converging in the diamond of my heart.

I am all of it. I love all of it.

If there's one thing I'm certain of... the world ends in laughter.

The only conspiracy is one in which 7 billion people work together to help me wake up and remember who I really am.

The dreamer.

The one who weaves the story of light and shadow so tightly, I get lost in it. And end up believing my own projections are more real than the Reality that:

Nothing real can be threatened.  

Nothing unreal exists. 

Herein lies the peace of God.

So, I started this blog... because writing is the one place I can consistently let the small, quiet voice/s of truth in me shine through.

Hopefully it inspires and encourages growth.

Sincerely,

Craig

ps - Thanks for reading and commenting. I welcome your interest in exploring these ideas, and the journey that inspires them. Facebook is a good place to find me if you want to see more of the journey unfold in multimedia. (I rarely accept friend requests from people, especially those I don't know - but you can subscribe, and comment on my open profile.)

pps - You can also dig me at Purpose Mapping and Enlightened Child