Integrating Inner Gold: Babyji Grows Up

My last blog post was a bit embarrassing to own, but I'm glad I did. It's helped me become more conscious of the Inner Gold (as Robert A. Johnson calls it) that I'm working with.

Getting up at 6:13am every morning and meditating to quiet my mind to the point where I can dialogue with the Voices in my Heart has done two things for me:

First, the dialogues make meditation more 'productive.' By asking my parts what they need from me, I'm actually getting clarity to move into my day with focus and grace.

Second, I feel I have a relationship with these inner parts - like friends, or children I'm responsible for - and so skipping a day is no longer an option.

Since my last post, several things have unfolded. Most importantly, I resolved the uncomfortable feeling I previously described as "this infant comes to nurse, and some part of me lets down milk to feed it. What. The. Fuck?"

After surfing YouTube one day, I saw a great video from the HeartMath Institute that explained, "Our heart's rhythm reflects our level of inner peace." 

It suddenly made sense! As I 'nursed' Babyji, I was opening my heart with the love of a mother. An experience that, being adopted, I never quite felt resolved around.

So, this 'nursing' not only became a daily heart-centering practice, it helped me close the loop on a wound so deep it has lived in my pre-verbal consciousness almost 36 years.

As I sat each morning with Babyji, I see discovered another baby! So, now I have a boy and a girl, who I named Babyjiji.

They aren't twins. Babyji is actually a toddler, perhaps 2-3 years old now.

He stopped nursing earlier this week, and when I ask him what he wants of me, he simply wants to play. This has been wonderfully inspiring for my Enlightened Child project, which I'm developing a 12-page mailed newsletter for. (Leave a comment if you're interested.) And reminds me of my first real connection with Corrina - because I didn't relate to her much as a baby.

Babyjiji, still a suckling infant. She's incredibly sweet.

There's also a puppy - which was weird as it bifurcated from the same hologram as this infant girl. But, they are definitely separate entities. I cringed at the thought of nursing a puppy. I've had a puppy. They have tiny little teeth, and they nip as an order of habit. Yikes.

We played with the puppy this morning, as I nursed Babyjiji, and I drifted off into dreams of what it must be like for a 2-3 year old boy to have a bubble of safety, everyone he loves... and a puppy to play with! That's about the most endearing thing I can imagine. So, I did.

And then came the radical shift.

Reading a lot of work by Robert A. Johnson these days, I've been delving into Owning Your Own Shadow, and, most recently, Inner Gold, which describes the nature and purpose of psychological projection.

What Johnson helped me realize is that we need to project our Gold (our 'God stuff') onto another before we can integrate it.

Gold is heavy, and the weight of it can crush our ego before it is strong enough to hold the load that is our divine inheritance in this life. So, we find an 'other' to project it upon, and worship the beauty, power, grace & love we see there.

Without going too deep into the dangers and dehumanizing functions of this type of projection - which most often occurs in romantic relationships (oh, you goddess!) - I'll close by sharing what happened this morning when I brought this new awareness into my meditation.

As I sat playing with Babyji and our wonderful, soft, rambunctious love-puppy, I turned my heart to invite the same question I invite every morning: "What would you ask of me, today?"

Babyji, at the height of his delight, simply vibed back to me, "Own the Gold you're projecting on me."

In an instant I felt more awake than I have in many, many mornings. And Babyji's image faded to about 10% - if you're a photoshop user - or a mere trace of what he was.

I felt the Gold of this inner child alive inside my left chest, a man's chest, no longer a nursing breast. And I looked down to see if my darling Babyjiji would disappear as well. Not yet! Perhaps she will grow up, too, but for now she's still content in my arms, and I'm grateful for her to be there.

As for the puppy, we'll see what kind of trouble he gets into.

Thanks for reading - I love your comments :-]

Craig

ps - Thanks for reading and commenting. I welcome your interest in exploring these ideas, and the journey that inspires them. Facebook is a good place to find me if you want to see more of the journey unfold in multimedia. (I rarely accept friend requests from people, especially those I don't know - but you can subscribe, and comment on my open profile.)

pps - You can also dig me at Purpose Mapping and Enlightened Child

Nourish Me, Feed Me... Nourish & Feed Yourself

As uncomfortable as it is to say out loud... I am the proud mother of a newborn baby.

Actually he/she is almost 36 weeks (or so... I can't say for sure, because the birth was so buried in my shadow that I could barely admit it to myself for some time.)

The baby came as a synthesis of 3 very clear, distinct, yet blended inner voices I had been tuning in to for several months prior: Jesus, Mary & Yahweh - all melodiously blended into a Wisdom greater than the sum of their individual expressions.

Every morning I would meditate, and listen for the Inner Voice with Wisdom enough to guide me.

Until one day, the Voices, and their imagery inside me started to shift.

For a while, it was a very difficult scene to stomach, and I often turned away in despair. How could my deep connection with God, through these voices (because when I connected directly with God, it was just a still, silent pool of golden light, so I asked for some voices to offer me words I could work with)... how could that connection be gone?

In the fading, crumbling imagery, where the Voices ceased to speak in their clear, melodious tones, I found a 3-foot, plastic lawn ornament Jesus with white robe and red sash, arms molded in an outstretched position, illuminated by a light bulb like Santa on the rooftop, or some creepy Halloween decor being sold out front of Home Depot a month before the holiday arrives. He was lifeless, yet the warmth of His presence was still felt through the flat post-modern symbol invoking his Spirit.

Yahweh was formless, but present, holding space with a hearty good humor, and distinct lack of concern for what was transpiring.

Mary held a baby. A mummified, zombie pet-like creature. It crumbled under its own weight, revealing some strange reptilian, living form beneath the cakes of crumbling flesh-mud and dried rot of mummification.

This went on for weeks... Every morning I would dive down into my belly to listen for the Voices. Every morning, I'd be met with another stage in this strange unfolding.

One day, it dawned on me, that what this life-form needed was my own presence and attention. That it was somehow the living spirit of Jesus resurrecting in Mary's arms, and that I could accelerate the alien incubation with my loving awareness of it all.

Alien is an understatement!

As soon as I brought my energy to the process, the undulating life-form awakened a translucent blue eye that crumbled more of the stone-caked face. Suddenly, the reptilian form was less creature than creative impulse. I started to understand what was happening was more cosmic than crustacean.


Over the following weeks, the form evolved until eventually, Mary was holding an actual human infant. This freaked me out even more. I knew I was birthing something, and that something was me, in a way... but now I have an infant to be responsible for??

As I continue to check in each morning, this infant comes to nurse, and some part of me lets down milk to feed it.

What. The. Fuck...?!!

Here I sat this morning, meditating on what part of me is feeding this baby of mine. What is it that lives in me that has the innate knowing of a mother, and the subtle body to nurse like one?

I ask the infant what it needs from me today, as I used to ask the Trinity of Voices that birthed it into being.

"Nourish me... Feed me...," he/she says.

And how do I do that? "Nourish & Feed Yourself!"

Okay...

Well. If there's one thing my daughter's mother is amazing at it, it's being a mother. Her own mother, and mother's mother (who just passed), and her sister, and now my daughter... they are all incredibly nurturing women. It frightens me to let in what I've learned being around them.

Yet, here I sit. Nursing my god-child. Wondering what support I can call in. Wondering what a new mother requires to feel nourished and fed enough to be the conduit of nourishment for another being's soul.

And the most challenging part of it all... is accepting that the imagined life I carry inside of me is as real and relevant as anything in the manifest realm all around me.

Sigh...

Now that I've said it out loud, I best give a name to this child.

For now, until I come to know him/her better, I'll name my infant Babyji (inspired by my friend Maggie's adoring nickname of her own baby, born last year). "Ji" is used to show respect in India. As in Guruji, or Papaji.

So, stay tuned. I imagine the story will unfold more rapidly now that I've made a conscious awareness more public.

In service to the Greatest of Mysteries,

Mama Craig

ps - Thanks for reading and commenting. I welcome your interest in exploring these ideas, and the journey that inspires them. Facebook is a good place to find me if you want to see more of the journey unfold in multimedia. (I rarely accept friend requests from people, especially those I don't know - but you can subscribe, and comment on my open profile.)

pps - You can also dig me at Purpose Mapping and Enlightened Child